Stepping Into the Darkness
by Artisticmom2
Summary: Jonathon Archer's internal struggle with love. Written in response to the Delphic Expanse's 2013 Valentine's Day Challenge. My song selection was "Once in a Lifetime" by Wolfsheim. Warning: Character death. I don't own them...


Many Thanks to Kylah for wielding the red pen.

Written in response to the Delphic Expanse's 2013 Valentine's Day Challenge. My song selection was "Once in a Lifetime" by Wolfsheim.

* * *

He stood on the precipice, the toes of his boots just shy of touching the force field of the empty bay. The button of the remote was in his hand. He stared out into the vast midnight abyss, his eyes searching the heavens before him for something he knew he would never find. The abyss was cold, uncaring, never ending, and vacant. It was empty, just like his life was now.

He closed his eyes and swallowed hard. Her smiling face, her dancing eyes, floated in his thoughts. She had been his everything. Most people thought he lived and died for _Enterprise_, for. He did, once. And then there was her.

It was a long time in the coming, in the realization of the love that was before him. When he grasped that love it completed him like nothing ever had, or ever would again. She filled the void within him. Their stolen moments were few and far between, but they were enough. However the space he explored was a jealous mistress. They had only a short time together and then she was gone, taken in a freak accident.

He inhaled, his nostrils flaring, trying to rein in his emotions. When her body had been brought back on board it had been lifeless and broken, an empty shell spit back onto the shore. He stood beside her still form laying there on the bio bed, listening to the results of the autopsy Phlox had diligently performed. It took all of his training and skill to keep his knees from buckling, to keep the tears in check. More than one life had been lost; he hadn't known that she had been pregnant. It had been a boy. For a moment he had had a son. A mourning Phlox had laid a comforting hand on his shoulder and left him to say goodbye.

For a moment he had had everything. Now he had nothing.

He wiped a tear away, shifting his stance, centering himself again. He nudged his boot toe against the force field, hearing it crackle, his foot bouncing back slightly.

He had personally gone through her belongings finding the journal entry she had written when she learned of the pregnancy. He had learned of her excitement, her joy, her search to find just the right way to let him know when she came back from the mission. The routine mission he had assigned her. She had been so certain that he would be joyful on learning their news. She had even pondered what would happen next, where their lives would go, what they would name the baby. He whispered the infant's name aloud, the slight sound echoing through the empty bay. His head bowed under the weight of his emotions.

He spent many sleepless nights playing through what would have happened if she – if they – had lived. As he tossed his water polo ball against the wall over and over again, he imagined the house they would have had, the joy they would have shared. He imagined what their son would have looked like, what siblings would have followed. Every morning brought new realization that none of it would ever happen. He would never experience the completeness of having a family, of having them in his life. All he had was a flying tin can and devotion to a faceless agency. Had he squandered his life, his chance at happiness? His thumb caressed the button on the remote as he pondered that thought one more time. He had to be certain. There would be no going back.

So now he stood here, pondering how _Enterprise_ would carry on, what story Starfleet would spin to cover up what would happen next. He knew that he was leaving _Enterprise_ in good hands. A small part of him still cared about his ship, his crew. A year after the accident, he was still grieving; the wound was still raw and fresh. Trip and T'Pol could handle anything the universe would throw at them because they were good apart and fantastic together. Just like Hoshi and him. They had been right together, but for the last year he had been alone with his pain. Perhaps now he would be together with her. At least there would be an end to the agony.

He sighed, closed his eyes, and pushed the button.


End file.
